Hi Mom,
I am sorry that I haven’t come to visit before today. I don’t have an excuse because I have been back to Illinois, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Seeing your headstone makes it final. I mean, I haven’t even taken your contact information out of my phone yet. It has been three years since we said goodbye. I simply wasn’t ready. Life without you is different. It’s harder somehow. I spent a lot of time talking to you about many, many different things throughout 44 years. Sometimes, you were sympathetic. Sometimes, you listened. Sometimes, you laughed and joked. Other times, you gave me an old-fashioned dose of reality like when you said, “Don’t make a decision when you are so angry you can’t see straight. It’s easy to walk out and never look back, but you can’t take that back. You are strong enough to wait until the anger is largely gone.” You knew me so well and you knew I would take that as a challenge and wait. Andy tells me all the time that he can be that person for me, but it just isn’t the same. I love him for trying, but he isn’t you, Mom. Instead, I have conversations with myself in my head and I imagine what you would say. I probably only get it right half of the time, but it somehow makes me feel a little less like something is missing. I love you, Mom. I miss you. I promise I won’t wait three years to visit again.
Love, Erica
P.S. I brought you flowers. I know you would say what a waste of money, but I did it anyway. I will do it next time and the next time and the time after that. Hey, a girl has to annoy her mom now and then.
